Clean Business Jokes

The factory worker

Mr. Jones was known far and wide as a hard-nosed boss who watched his employees like a hawk. He was making one of his regular tours of the factory when he spotted a young man leaning against a pile of boxes just outside the foreman's office. Since George, the foreman, wasn't around, Jones stood off to the side and watched to see just how long the young man would stand around doing nothing. The young man yawned, scratched his head, looked at his watch, and sat on the floor. He took out a nail file and began cleaning his nails. Then he stretched, yawned again, and leaned back on the pile of boxes.
      
Jones stepped from his hiding place and walked up to the young man. "You!" he boomed. "How much do you make a week?"
      
The young man looked up indifferently. "Two hundred and fifty dollars," he said.
      
Jones swooped into the cashier's office, took $250 from the cash box, and returned. "Take it," he said, "and get out! Don't let me see you around here again!"
      
The young man took the cash, put it in his pocket, and left. Jones snorted at his lack of remorse, embarrassment, or any other feeling. Then he went looking for George. When he found him, Jones was red with anger."That idler in front of your office," Jones said. "I just gave him a week's pay and fired him. What's the matter with you, letting him stand around as though he had nothing to do?"
      
"You mean the kid in the red shirt?" George asked.
      
"Yes! The kid in the red shirt!"
      
"He was waiting for the twenty dollars we owe him for lunch," George said. "He works for the coffee shop around the corner."

Business humor ~ Patience with your apprentice

An ageing blacksmith realized he soon needed to retire so he picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do exactly what I tell you to do." One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard."

Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.

Dog owners

Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog was named "T-Square", and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat. The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named "Slide Rule". He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem. The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog "Measure" was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem.

All three men agreed this was very good and that their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the union member and said, "What can your dog do?". The Teamster called his dog whose name was "Coffee Break" and said, "Show the fellows what you can do". Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, went to the bathroom on the paper, claimed he injured his back while eating, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for Workmen's Compensation and left for home on sick leave.

Mountain Climbers

Two mountail guides were climbing a particularly difficult mountain when one of them suddenly slipped and fell down a dark crevasse 500 feet deep. “Are you alright Ted?” called his partner. “Can you hear me?”

“I can hear you Sam.”

“Here, grab this rope and I’ll pull you up.”

“I can’t,” said Ted. “My arms are broken.”

“Well then, can you tie it around your legs?”

“I’m afraid not – they’re broken too.”

“Oh dear – well, grab it in your teeth then, Ted.”

“I’ll try,” answered Ted bravely. Sam began pulling slowly and carefully as Ted gripped the rope in his teeth. 400 feet. . . 300. . . 200. . . 100. . .

“Hey Ted” Sam called down into the darkness, “are you doing ok?”
Ted replied, “I’m doing fi. . . AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

How to invest

In these strange and uncertain financial times, here's a different perspective on investing your hard-earned money:

If you had purchased $1000.00 of AIG stock one year ago, it would now be worth $56.91.

With Washington Mutual, you would have $120.36 left of the original $1000.

With 'Fannie Mae'(FNM), you would have $11.34 left.

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Lehman Bros one year ago it would now be almost worthless; less than $0.86.

But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling
refund you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This is called the 401-Keg Plan. Environmentally and fiscally responsible.

Once a Year Sale

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 9:00, the store's opening time, in front of the store.

A elderly man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curse. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown at the end of the line again.

As he got up, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"

Managers and Engineers

A man flying in a hot air balloon realizes he is lost. He reduces his
altitude and spots a man in a field down below. He lowers the balloon
further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet above
this field."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

"I am. How did you know?"

"Everything you told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must be in management."

"I am. But how did you know?"

"You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now
it's my fault."

New Entrant in the Periodic Table

Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every action with which it comes into contact.

A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
-Thomas Jefferson

How Did you Make Your money?

A young man asked an older rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his sweater and said, "Well, son, it was 1934 and in the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last dime.

"I invested that dime in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for fifteen cents.

"The next morning, I invested those fifteen cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them  for 30 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.59."

"And that's how you built an empire?" the boy asked.

"Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

Paying in advance

A motorist was driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened and he then asked what the animal was worth.

"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.

"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now."