Clean Business Jokes

Foiled

Foiled – If you have a little time, “foil” a co-workers desk and work space. This one is sure to get a laugh form everyone in the office.

If a picture says a thousand words, a video will say more!

Here are some guidelines when pulling your office prank:

* Make sure it doesn't embarrass someone or cause disruption in the workplace. 
* Think through all possible consequences of the joke.
* Don't use April Fools' Day as an opportunity to "get back" at someone you don't like.
* What's OK to do at home with family or friends may not be appropriate for the workplace.
* If your boss is the subject of your prank, be extremely careful. You need to know this person extremely well, understand their sense of humor and never do anything that would diminish your boss's authority.

Have fun

Fast Food

A man looked at the menu at the airport restaurant, and saw that the sandwiches were named for planes. "I'll have a 'jumbo jet,'" he said. When the order arrived, he was disappointed to see how small his burger was, but he ate it anyway. He called his waiter over.

"Are you sure that was the 'jumbo jet?'" he asked.

"Yeah," the waiter answered. "Went pretty fast, didn't it?"

Complicated Order

A guest  in a hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and said, "I want two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked it's runny, and the other so over cooked it's tough and hard to eat. Also grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, luke-warm."

"That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult."

The guest replied, "Oh, but that's what you gave me yesterday!

The Speech

The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention, so he asked one of his employees to write him a punchy, 20-minute speech. When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious.
      
"What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?" he demanded to know. "Half the audience walked out before I finished."
      
The employee was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for".

Company Softball Tournament

At Acme Inc's annual company picnic, the advertising department always played a game of softball with the editorial department. This year the ad dept won, 9-3. But on the company bulletin board the next morning was the following notice.

The Editorial Dept. is proud to announce that upon the conclusion of this year's softball tournament, we finished in second place overall, having lost only one game the entire season.

We would also like to take this opportunity to offer our condolences to the Ad Dept's team for finishing next to last, having won only one game during the entire year.

Dinosaur bones

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?” The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."

Travel in a sailboat

The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat.
The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, "Can you float alone?"
"Obviously," the banker replied, "but this is a heck of a time to talk business."

A Tough living

A man owned a small farm in South Georgia. The Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him. "You just give me a list of your employees and tell me how much you pay them."

"All right," said the farmer. "I have a hired man. Been with me for three years. I pay him $600 a week, plus room and board. I have a cook. She's been here six months. She gets $500 a week plus room and board."

"Anybody else?" asked the agent as he scribbled on a note pad. "Yeah," the farmer said. "There's a half-wit here. Works about eighteen hours a day. I pay him ten dollars a week and give him chewing tobacco."

"Aha!" the agent roared. "I want to talk to that half-wit!"

"You're talking to him now," said the farmer.

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Business Humor ~ Lazy Employee
The owner of a large factory decided to make a surprise visit and check up on his staff.
Walking though the plant, he noticed a young man leaning lazily against a post.

"Just how much are you being paid a week?" said the owner angrily.
"Three hundred bucks," replied the young man.

Taking out a fold of bills from his wallet, the owner counted out $300, slapped the money into the boy's hands, and said "Here's a week's pay -- now get out and don't come back!"
Turning to one of the supervisors, he said "How long has that lazy bum been working here anyway?"
"He doesn't work here," said the supervisor. "He was just here to deliver a pizza!"

More Fish

An investment banker was on the pier of a small coastal village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. His boat was full of beautiful yellow tuna. The banker complimented the fisherman on his catch, asking how long it took to catch. The fisherman replied "only a short time." The banker asked why not stay out and catch more. The fisherman replied,
"I've enough fish to feed my family."

The banker then asked what did the fisherman do with the rest of his time, he replied, "I will sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take a siesta with my wife, stroll into the village each evening, sip wine with my friends, play my guitar, I have a full and busy life."

The banker was not impressed. "I have a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat and from those increased proceeds you could buy several boats and soon have a fleet. Instead of selling your fish to a middleman, you could control production, processing and distribution by building your own
cannery. You could leave this small coastal village and move to the city then to New York where you could run your expanding enterprise."

The fisherman asked, "How long will this take?"

The banker said, "Ten to 20 years."

"But what then?"

"Next you would announce an IPO and sell your stock to the public, making millions and millions. Then you could retire to a small coastal village where you could sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take a siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings, sip wine and play your guitar with your friends," said the banker smiling.

The Day Off

Mr. Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're shorthanded, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith. "I knew I could count on you!"