Clean Business Jokes

A Wall Street Beggar

There are three beggars begging on Wall Street.

The first beggar wrote "Beggar" on his broken cup. He received $10.00 after one day.

The next day, the second beggar wrote "Beggar.com" on his cup. After one day, he received hundreds of thousands of dollars and an offer to float an IPO on NASDAQ.

The following day, the third beggar wrote "e-Beg" on his cup. Microsoft, IBM, and HP sent corporate vice-presidents to talk to him about strategic alliances and offered him free hardware consultancy. In addition, it was reported on CNBC that e-Beg uses 95% Oracle technology and that I2 announced the launch of BegTradeMatrix; a b2b industry portal offering supply chain integration in the beggar community.

The Family Business

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you half-owner of a money making company, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

Dress Code

Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, a woman trained employees in proper dress codes and etiquette.
One day as she was stepping onto the elevator and a man, casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on the elevator with her.
Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded the man, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?"
The man replied, "That's one benefit of owning the company...." Oops.

Self-Repair

When a man's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"
"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.

Monkey Business

A man walks into a pet shop in Silicon Valley, and is browsing around the cages on display. While he's there, another customer walks in and says to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey, please".

The shopkeeper nods, goes over to a cage at the side of the shop and takes out a monkey. He fits a collar and leash and hands it to the customer, saying "That'll be $5,000". The customer pays and walks out with his monkey.

Startled, the man goes over to the shopkeeper and says, "That was a very expensive monkey, most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"

"Oh", says the shopkeeper, "that monkey can program in C very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."

The man starts to look at the monkeys in the cage. He says to the shop keeper, "That one's even more expensive, $10,000! What does it do?"

"Oh", says the shopkeeper, "that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java, all the really useful stuff."

The man looks around a little longer and sees a third monkey in a cage on its own. The price tag round its neck says $50,000.

He gasps to the shop keeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"

"Well," says the shopkeeper, "I don't know if it actually does anything, but says it's a Consultant."

The Presentation

The distinguished professor and his chauffeur were talking one day on the way to the next speaking engagement, and the driver said, "I've sat in the back and listened to your presentation so many times that I can give it just as well as you can."

The professor said, "I'll bet you can't. Just to prove it, we'll trade clothes in the hotel, and I'll sit in the back."

The chauffeur delivered the lecture flawlessly, and the audience applauded him roundly. Then a pompous professor from the local university, wishing to impress his colleagues in the audience, stood and asked a very specific question concerning the driver's presentation.

The driver said, "I am amazed that you would ask such a silly question. The answer is so obvious that I am going to ask my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, to answer your ridiculous question."

Top 10 Excuses when getting caught asleep at your Desk

"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

"I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."

"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

"Amen"

"This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"

"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."

"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

"Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

"Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

Out of Stock

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."

Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."

Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?"

The clerk smiled and said...
"Rain..."

Income Opportunity

A husband and wife were driving down a country road on their way to visit some friends. As they came to a muddy part of the road, their car got stuck.

After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the road, driving some mules. He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50.

The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.
The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."

The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer,"When do you have time to plow your land? At night?"

"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."

New Start-Up

A young businessman had just started his own company. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. While sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office.

Wishing to appear a hot shot in demand, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.

He threw around big financial numbers and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."