Clean Business Jokes

Less Money

The workers at the Federal Mint went on strike today.
They are demanding to make less money!

Interview Question

The executive was interviewing a potential employee for a position in his company.
He wanted to find out something about his personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"

The interviewee quickly responded, "The living one."

Required Vacation

Two women were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.
"I started a new practice last year," the first one said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months."

"Why in the world would you do that?" the other asked.

She responded, "It's the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without."

Employee Assessment

MEMO
Subject: Prospective Employee Assessment

To: All Managers

The following guidelines shall be used when hiring new personnel.

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.
If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.
If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.
If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
If they are writing up the experience, send them to Technical Publications.
If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.
If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.
And if they have left early, put them in Sales.

Run For Your life

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched as they checked her meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a footrace down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came tearing up to the truck, they realized the lady of that end house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped immediately and asked her what was wrong.

"When I saw two gasmen running as hard as you were," gasped the woman, "I figured I'd better run too!"

An Honest Job Applicant

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"
The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

Account Balance

I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance.

She leaned over and pushed me.

A Bad Interview

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome.

The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you."

"Oh, great," he said, "What is it?"

"It's called the door!"

Top 10 Signs you’ve been In the Corporate World Too Long

Top 10 Signs you’ve been In the Corporate World Too Long

10. You decide to re-organize your family into a "team- based organization."

9. You refer to dating as test marketing.

8. You can spell "paradigm."

7. You actually know what a paradigm is.

6. You write executive summaries on your love letters.

5. Your Valentine's Day cards have bullet points.

4. You use the term "value-added" without laughing.

3. You believe you never have any problems in your life, just "issues" and "improvement opportunities."

2. You can explain to somebody the difference between "re-engineering," "down-sizing," "right-sizing," and "firing people."

And the number 1 sign you've been in the corporate world too long...

1. You celebrate your wedding anniversary by conducting a performance review.

Timely Speech

The CEO of the company was giving a speech at the annual shareholders' meeting. Enthused about his company's performance and the prospects for the next year, he lost track of time and spoke for two hours.

Finally, he realized that he had been speaking for too long and apologized, saying, "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "There's a calendar behind you."