Clean Business Jokes

Mountain Climbers

Two mountail guides were climbing a particularly difficult mountain when one of them suddenly slipped and fell down a dark crevasse 500 feet deep. “Are you alright Ted?” called his partner. “Can you hear me?”

“I can hear you Sam.”

“Here, grab this rope and I’ll pull you up.”

“I can’t,” said Ted. “My arms are broken.”

“Well then, can you tie it around your legs?”

“I’m afraid not – they’re broken too.”

“Oh dear – well, grab it in your teeth then, Ted.”

“I’ll try,” answered Ted bravely. Sam began pulling slowly and carefully as Ted gripped the rope in his teeth. 400 feet. . . 300. . . 200. . . 100. . .

“Hey Ted” Sam called down into the darkness, “are you doing ok?”
Ted replied, “I’m doing fi. . . AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

How to invest

In these strange and uncertain financial times, here's a different perspective on investing your hard-earned money:

If you had purchased $1000.00 of AIG stock one year ago, it would now be worth $56.91.

With Washington Mutual, you would have $120.36 left of the original $1000.

With 'Fannie Mae'(FNM), you would have $11.34 left.

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Lehman Bros one year ago it would now be almost worthless; less than $0.86.

But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling
refund you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This is called the 401-Keg Plan. Environmentally and fiscally responsible.

Once a Year Sale

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 9:00, the store's opening time, in front of the store.

A elderly man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curse. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown at the end of the line again.

As he got up, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"

Managers and Engineers

A man flying in a hot air balloon realizes he is lost. He reduces his
altitude and spots a man in a field down below. He lowers the balloon
further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet above
this field."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

"I am. How did you know?"

"Everything you told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must be in management."

"I am. But how did you know?"

"You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now
it's my fault."

New Entrant in the Periodic Table

Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every action with which it comes into contact.

A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
-Thomas Jefferson

How Did you Make Your money?

A young man asked an older rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his sweater and said, "Well, son, it was 1934 and in the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last dime.

"I invested that dime in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for fifteen cents.

"The next morning, I invested those fifteen cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them  for 30 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.59."

"And that's how you built an empire?" the boy asked.

"Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

Paying in advance

A motorist was driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened and he then asked what the animal was worth.

"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.

"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now."

Top 9 Things to Say When Caught Sleeping at Your Desk

9. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

8. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about
in that time management course you sent me to."

7. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You
probably got here just in time!"

6. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission
statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

5. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

4. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve
work-related stress.”

3. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a
solution to our biggest problem."

2. "The coffee machine is broken..."

1. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

Stop being late to work

Sharon had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. Her boss was mad at her and threatened to fire her if she didn't do something about it. So Sharon went to her doctor who gave her a pill and told her to take it before she went to bed. Sharon slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. She had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

"Boss", she said, " The pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine,” said the boss, " But where were you yesterday?"

The Suggestion Box

Joe and Frank were in the office, and noticed that someone had put up a suggestion box with some 3x5 cards next to it. Both decided that this was a great idea, and each took a card to fill out.

Joe wrote, "The office workers should all be given raises!"

When he looked at Frank's card, it said "Can we all have raises, and keys to the executive washroom, and personal secretaries, and new company cars, and new coffee cups, and longer lunch breaks, and an extra three weeks vacation each year, and a holiday on St. Patrick's Day, and Columbus Day and Martin Luther King's Birthday?"

Joe said, "Frank, that isn't the right way of getting things changed around here. . . . You shouldn't put all of your begs in one ask-it."