Clean Business Jokes

Top 9 Things to Say When Caught Sleeping at Your Desk

9. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

8. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about
in that time management course you sent me to."

7. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You
probably got here just in time!"

6. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission
statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

5. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

4. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve
work-related stress.”

3. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a
solution to our biggest problem."

2. "The coffee machine is broken..."

1. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

Stop being late to work

Sharon had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. Her boss was mad at her and threatened to fire her if she didn't do something about it. So Sharon went to her doctor who gave her a pill and told her to take it before she went to bed. Sharon slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. She had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

"Boss", she said, " The pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine,” said the boss, " But where were you yesterday?"

The Suggestion Box

Joe and Frank were in the office, and noticed that someone had put up a suggestion box with some 3x5 cards next to it. Both decided that this was a great idea, and each took a card to fill out.

Joe wrote, "The office workers should all be given raises!"

When he looked at Frank's card, it said "Can we all have raises, and keys to the executive washroom, and personal secretaries, and new company cars, and new coffee cups, and longer lunch breaks, and an extra three weeks vacation each year, and a holiday on St. Patrick's Day, and Columbus Day and Martin Luther King's Birthday?"

Joe said, "Frank, that isn't the right way of getting things changed around here. . . . You shouldn't put all of your begs in one ask-it."

Less Money

The workers at the Federal Mint went on strike today.
They are demanding to make less money!

Interview Question

The executive was interviewing a potential employee for a position in his company.
He wanted to find out something about his personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"

The interviewee quickly responded, "The living one."

Required Vacation

Two women were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.
"I started a new practice last year," the first one said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months."

"Why in the world would you do that?" the other asked.

She responded, "It's the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without."

Employee Assessment

MEMO
Subject: Prospective Employee Assessment

To: All Managers

The following guidelines shall be used when hiring new personnel.

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.
If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.
If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.
If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
If they are writing up the experience, send them to Technical Publications.
If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.
If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.
And if they have left early, put them in Sales.

Run For Your life

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched as they checked her meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a footrace down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came tearing up to the truck, they realized the lady of that end house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped immediately and asked her what was wrong.

"When I saw two gasmen running as hard as you were," gasped the woman, "I figured I'd better run too!"

Account Balance

I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance.

She leaned over and pushed me.

A Bad Interview

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome.

The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you."

"Oh, great," he said, "What is it?"

"It's called the door!"